The Everyday Struggle of Giving Eye Contact…

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Hi everyone – I thought for the next post in my Sensory Series I’d discuss the everyday struggle of giving eye contact…

In my Sensory Series I share text slides on different aspects of Sensory Processing and Autism (in between my regular posts of illustrations) so I can share my own outlook on all things sensory related. I thought it would be interesting to share my own experiences, tips and tricks along the way, feel free to scroll back over other posts in this series too! Please do share this post and feel free to comment down below any tips you have to do with eye contact.

Image description:

Slide 1:

Black and white icon of  a wide open eye with eyelashes with text underneath:

The everyday struggle of giving eye contact…

The a pastel green line with ‘@21andsensory‘ underneath and in the top right hand corner of the post there is a pastel green box that says ‘ SENSORY SERIES’ in to show what series the post is part of.

Slide 2:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:

Eye contact. Just writing those two words make me cringe inside.

It’s something that’s not built into me and it isn’t automatic. It can feel horrible, awkward, forced and very uncomfortable. 

It is overwhelming and feels personal to look at someone so directly. It’s something I am constantly thinking and overthinking. I have to analyse every situation in terms of eye contact and what might be expected of me.

Slide 3:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:

I am also awful at knowing how long to look at someone for.

How long is too long? Do I look away every few seconds? Am I coming across as odd?

I find it much easier to talk to a person by looking around them and not at them…but that’s not exactly recognised as a ‘natural’ way to engage in conversation.

I wish it was. It’s far less stressful.

Slide 4:

Eye contact for me is also something that has been massively impacted by the pandemic (and many others I am sure).

I lost all the previous ability I had built up to interact and look at people because I was out of practice and not having to do it daily. Now I am having to build it up all over again.

It’s physically tiring and draining to look at people. This is really hard to explain and communicate to others.

Slide 5:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:

I think what a lot of people don’t understand is that I can actually think about what I want to say much more easily when I am not having to look directly at someone. I have a clearer thought process when looking away.

I wish eye contact wasn’t associated with coming across a certain way, such as being rude or not interested. 

I am listening, I am (mostly) interested but I might not always be looking at you. I wish that was more understood.

Slide 6:

21andsensory logo (person holding up a white board with ’21andsensory’ on it. Underneath it says:

If you like my work and you are able to, please consider supporting me via my Kofi page (link in bio). 

Or why not have a listen to my 21andsensory Podcast! With social media icons underneath.

The Constant Autistic Internal Monologue

Hi everyone here again to share another drawing…this time on the ‘Constant Autistic Internal Monologue’ which is something that I experience.

Let me explain it a bit more…I didn’t realise (until literally the day of my autism assessment) that most people don’t have a constantly internal monologue running inside them. I was chatting to my assessor and casually explained that I have this constant running internal monologue inside of me of how to act, be, live, etc. By this I mean a constant voice inside me (that is me, not a separate person) telling me things like:

• ‘Try and keep eye contact Emily!’ 
• ‘Maybe sit up straight and try and look a bit more interested?’
• ‘You might be walking to close…maybe back off a bit?’
• ‘They might want a handshake? A hug? Be prepared’
• ‘Does my face look engaged? Is my expression okay?’
• ‘Am I looking awkward?’
• ‘You could go sit in the toilet for a bit and decompress?’
• ‘Did I not talk enough? Did I come across weird?’

(As you can see it can be in a range of person tenses and talks in present and past tense too)

It’s constantly suggesting things to me and is very wary of not fitting in and seeming different. It warns me of things, prompts me to maybe do things which would seem more ‘normal’ and it’s not something I can switch off. I think it is a part of masking but it is not something I cannot drop (v.frustrating). It’s something I have always had, I remember it right the way through school trying to guide me and failing to help me. Also as you can imagine, this continuous internal monologue is taking up a hell of a lot of my brain power and I am dealing with this on a daily basis alongside just existing and juggling things like work and my mental health…which isn’t ideal.

The suggestions aren’t always helpful too which is frustrating because it’s hard to ignore or not listen to them or at least take them on board. I wanted to share this in case it’s something others struggle with too though and because it was something I thought was built into everyone (apparently that’s not the case!).

Hope this all made sense.

Is this something you struggle with too? Let me know in the comments below.

‘Supporting your Neurodiverse Child’ Digital Book…

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Takiwatanga Autism Support Services got in touch with me a while back to ask if they could use my graphics in their digital book with Essex Family Forum called ‘Supporting Your Neurodiverse Child’ which is for parents, written by parents from Send The Right Message alongside professionals from across health, education and social care.

It includes over 200 pages of hints, tips and useful information for example: information about the diagnosis process, how to get support for your child at school, health and wellbeing and much more. The team have shared their own experiences and hints and tips, along with those of parents, carers and young people from across Essex, Southend and Thurrock.

There are also signposts to useful books, blogs and online resources which are all tried and tested resources that the team have used and found helpful.

Click here to have a look at the book!

My latest podcast episode with Special Guest…My Brother!🎙

Episode 53 of my 21andsensory podcast has a very Special Guest on…My Brother! 

We chat about his FASD and Autism diagnoses and a bit about his life and growing up (including being adopted). We also chat about his special interests and hobbies.

If you haven’t heard of FASD it stands for Foetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders. It is a term used to describe the permanent impacts on the brain and body of individuals prenatally exposed to alcohol during pregnancy resulting in a spectrum of physical, emotional, behavioural and neurological characteristics.

Some great FASD resources / Twitter accounts to follow are: 

• @SpotlightonFASD 
• @JeffjNoble 
• @rajamukherjee10
• @FASDChangeMakrs 
• @fasdhope 
• @FASDNETUK 
• @awareness_fasd 
• @NationalFASD 
• @FasdSalford to name a few!

More info on FASD: nationalfasd.org.uk/about-fasd

I was also a guest on the @SpotlightonFASD podcast. We chatted about my brother who is adopted and has diagnoses of FASD and is Autistic. I also spoke about my Sensory Processing Disorder and Autism. Listen here: https://youtu.be/TcQNRbq7FdM

My episode with my brother can be heard wherever you usually listen to your podcasts:

Describing Masking 🎭

Hello everyone I’m here again to share another drawing, this time on masking 🎭.  I did one a while back when I first started out sharing my illustrations here on Instagram. I don’t love how it looks so decided to redraw it!

So what actually is masking? 

Masking involves trying to hide being autistic so others will accept us. It’s also referred to as camouflaging. This means we act in ways that other people will think we are ‘normal’ and to try and be accepted socially. My drawing includes a few examples of trying to mask.

Over the course of my life I feel I have perfected the art of masking (which isn’t necessarily a good thing). I am extremely good at with-holding my feelings and emotions, bottling them up until I get home. I would cry when I had to go to primary school each morning. Then speed forward a bit in time and I’d come home from secondary school each day very tearful. I even used to cry up in the SENCOs (special needs support) room at break and lunch times because secondary school is quite literally THE most overwhelming place I have ever had to cope in 👀.

But slowly through sixth form and university I began to build up a resilience to the world and although I still get overwhelmed I can always come home, have a bit of a sensory meltdown (and a good cry) then move on with things. 

Socialising will always be hard for me and I think I will always cope with the world like this. But that’s okay. I have to actively remind myself that ‘normal’ isn’t real. And I think you should too. Masking is an autistic and sensory way of coping with the everyday and just trying to get by. Now that is brave. To go out in the world and just exist is a huge thing.

Do you have any tips related to masking? Feel free to share below ☺️

I have never been to the hairdressers before…💇‍♀️

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Hi everyone – I thought for the next post in my Sensory Series I’d discuss why I have never been to the hairdressers before…

In my Sensory Series I’ll be sharing text slides on different aspects of Sensory Processing (in between my regular posts of illustrations) so I can share my own outlook on all things sensory. I thought it would be interesting to share my own experiences, tips and tricks along the way, feel free to scroll back over other posts in this series too! Please do share this post and feel free to comment down below how you cope with change and any tips you have!

Descriptions of each slide:

Slide 1:

Black and white icon of a woman with long hair and a cross in front of her with text underneath:

I have never been to the hairdressers before…The a pastel green line with ‘@21andsensory‘ underneath and in the top right hand corner of the post there is a pastel green box that says ‘ SENSORY SERIES’ in to show what series the post is part of.

Slide 2:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:I have never been able to go to a hairdressers. My mum (very kindly) cuts my hair for me at home…in a straight line across my back. Here are the many reasons why…I cannot deal with the idea of someone I don’t know touching my head. I think it doesn’t help that I don’t even like touching my own head or the feel of washing my own hair and it took me years to desensitise and be able to brush my hair myself!

Slide 3:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:I am only able to use a specific brand of shampoo and conditioner as I cannot deal sensory-wise with any other scents or products in my hair. I am very sensitive to any scents especially to do with my clothes, hair and environment.

The potential of small talk whilst someone is cutting my hair is a huge fear (it would be a nightmare) and also having to explain why the idea of a head massage makes me feel physically ill would be awkward.

Slide 4:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it: I also have never been able to handle people going near my neck…even I struggle to wash near it or wear certain clothes because of it!

I’m not I could deal with a salon environment or even someone coming into my own home to cut my hair it would be too overwhelming. I am truly awful with change. I cry most times after my mum cuts my hair, even if it’s only after a little bit has come off, it always feels so different.

Slide 5:

Pastel green vertical line on left hand side of the image with text next to it:

I’d love to know if anybody else is part of the ‘Never had a proper haircut’ club…(I‘m sensing a pin badge design coming on haha) If so comment down below! I’d also love to hear from those who are able to go to the hairdressers as any tips and tricks are always great.

I’m off to ask my mum to cut my hair again as it’s become to long to manage…*prays I don’t cry*

Slide 6:

21andsensory logo (person holding up a white board with ’21andsensory’ on it. Underneath it says:If you like my work and you are able to, please consider supporting me via my Kofi page (link in bio). Or why not have a listen to my 21andsensory Podcast! With social media icons underneath.

Why it can be very difficult to manage change ⁉️

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Hi everyone – I thought for the next post in my Sensory Series I’d discuss how difficult it can be as an Autistic person to manage change.

In my Sensory Series I’ll be sharing text slides on different aspects of Sensory Processing (in between my regular posts of illustrations) so I can share my own outlook on all things sensory. I thought it would be interesting to share my own experiences, tips and tricks along the way.

Slide 1: Why it can be very difficult to manage change

Slide 2:

Changes can be big or small. Yet they still feel totally overwhelming and life-altering…even if they aren’t really.Something as small as not being able to find your normal shampoo or your favourite brand of cereal at the supermarket can honestly feel like  the end of the world in that moment. 

So imagine how big things like social occasions let alone life events can be to an Autistic person. They can be utterly huge and hard to process.

Slide 3:

It’s very difficult to describe how scary change can be as an Autistic person with sensory issues. I strive for normal, sameness and routine and when this is messed with I can’t cope.

The thing is…I might look like I am coping well with change. But I (and many autistic people) have mastered the art of ‘masking’ where we are very effectively able to keep up an ‘act’ or ‘front’ of managing when inside we are extremely distressed and overwhelmed. It’s so draining.

Slide 4:

This is something that can come flooding out once we reach our own safe environment like home. This might look like a shutdown or meltdown which can be worrying for surrounding family, friends, etc.

Sometimes we just need the space and time to decompress and process what has or is going on. And that is okay. It sucks in the moment when you can’t manage what is going on but I’ve learnt…the feelings do pass and life does carry on.

Slide 5:

If you like my work and you are able to, please consider supporting me via my Kofi page. Or why not have a listen to my 21andsensory Podcast – there’s a new episode every two weeks

Please do share this post and feel free to comment down below how you cope with change and any tips you have!

Autistic and trying my best.

Hello. I am Autistic and trying my best.

Over the past couple of weeks I’ve felt this statement a lot. I am trying my best each day to muddle on through life in general. I feel like a lot of my life has involved ‘muddling on through’ things that seem to come naturally to other people. 

But: I always try my best. I am super dedicated and hyper focused when it comes to producing the best output I can. However…trying my best takes a hell of a lot of effort as an autistic person. It’s keeping up a constant ‘mask’ or ‘act’ in most social situations. It’s suffering from sensory overwhelm and autistic burnout on the regular. But you’d never know it from looking at me. And you’d never know it when looking at others. I think we all just need to be aware that everyone in life is muddling through things and nobody really has it figured out.

That was a ramble but the short of it is: I’m going to keep muddling through. And so should you.

(Also sorry if muddling is a British sort of word to use but it resonates with me! It means to think or act in a confused or aimless way).

Examples of some everyday sensory struggles | Sensory Series 🖐

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Hi everyone – I’m going to start a little text-based Sensory Series!

I’ll be sharing text slides on different aspects of Sensory Processing (in between my regular posts of illustrations) so I can share my own outlook on all things sensory. I thought it would be interesting to share my own experiences, tips and tricks along the way.

If you like my work and you are able to, please consider supporting me via my 21andsensory Kofi Page

A catch-up with me (my latest podcast episode) 🎙

So on today’s episode it’s just me! I thought I’d do a catch-up episode, I will be chatting about:

• Feedback on my last episode with my sister
• What I’ve been up to recently, freelance work, projects and life updates
• Being asked to illustrate a real-life actual book?!
• Why my dog has been driving me crazy
• Medication struggles
• The anxiety and sensory issues surrounding getting back out into the world after lockdown
• …and I generally just ramble!

Things I mentioned on the podcast:

Sensory Street info:

• Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/Sensory-Street-104013958390266
• Twitter: https://twitter.com/sensory_street
• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sensory_street/

The Autism Friendly Cookbook info:

• Lydia Wilkins: https://www.instagram.com/journo_lydia/

Spotlight on FASD podcast (episode I was on): https://youtu.be/TcQNRbq7FdM