Hi everyone here again to share another drawing…this time on the ‘Constant Autistic Internal Monologue’ which is something that I experience.
Let me explain it a bit more…I didn’t realise (until literally the day of my autism assessment) that most people don’t have a constantly internal monologue running inside them. I was chatting to my assessor and casually explained that I have this constant running internal monologue inside of me of how to act, be, live, etc. By this I mean a constant voice inside me (that is me, not a separate person) telling me things like:
- ‘Try and keep eye contact Emily!’
- ‘Maybe sit up straight and try and look a bit more interested?’
- ‘You might be walking to close…maybe back off a bit?’
- ‘They might want a handshake? A hug? Be prepared’
- ‘Does my face look engaged? Is my expression okay?’
- ‘Am I looking awkward?’
- ‘You could go sit in the toilet for a bit and decompress?’
- ‘Did I not talk enough? Did I come across weird?’
(As you can see it can be in a range of person tenses and talks in present and past tense too)
It’s constantly suggesting things to me and is very wary of not fitting in and seeming different. It warns me of things, prompts me to maybe do things which would seem more ‘normal’ and it’s not something I can switch off. I think it is a part of masking but it is not something I cannot drop (v.frustrating). It’s something I have always had, I remember it right the way through school trying to guide me and failing to help me. Also as you can imagine, this continuous internal monologue is taking up a hell of a lot of my brain power and I am dealing with this on a daily basis alongside just existing and juggling things like work and my mental health…which isn’t ideal.
The suggestions aren’t always helpful too which is frustrating because it’s hard to ignore or not listen to them or at least take them on board. I wanted to share this in case it’s something others struggle with too though and because it was something I thought was built into everyone (apparently that’s not the case!).
Hope this all made sense.
Is this something you struggle with too? Let me know in the comments below.